Sunday, January 22, 2012

On My Bucket List -- Looking for a Wife

On My Bucket List -- Looking for a Wife

I am in a very unusual situation. I'm a woman in my mid-40s, but I'm dying. My doctors have told me that I have less than two months to live. So I have been working on my "bucket list." One of the items therein is finding a new wife for my husband, to marry after I go to be with the Lord. I have always been a cautious shopper, carefully analyzing and deliberating the pros and cons of each acquisition, whether it is a horse, or a piece of land, or just a pair of boots. Finding a new wife for Jim will be a challenge for me.

First, about him:

•63 years old, normal weight, and very healthy, but gray hair and bald.
•Has a hard-charging "Type A" personality. He doesn't know how to relax.
•Very punctual and neat, except for his desk.
•Modest, loyal, and extremely devoted. (He has spent the past year by my bedside.)
•Generous and tithes regularly.
•A worrier. (SurvivalBlog is the professional manifestation of his worrying.)
•Hates big cities, and will never move back to one.
•Willing to dig lots of holes for my plants, but he is not much of a gardener.
•Loves giving gifts but he dislikes spending money.
•Has enough survival gear to equip a reinforced squad.

My replacement must meet these qualifications:

•Be a devout, church-going Christian, preferably with Reformed/Calvinist doctrine. This is the first and foremost consideration. (No exceptions.)

•Be healthy and of normal body weight. (Jim could not bear to lose another wife at a young age.)
•Willing to put up with Jim's eccentricities including his emphasis on OPSEC.
•Willing to assume my responsibility of caring for three teenagers. (They are godly homeschooled kids, and a great joy to us.)
•Willing to live at the Rawles Ranch in a remote, yet very beautiful area. (Nearly a two hour drive to any decent shopping.)
•Willing to live in a true "four season" climate, with up to six months of snow.
•Enjoy the outdoors (canoeing, hunting, fishing, berry picking, gardening, et cetera.)
•Have a good sense of humor.
•Not want to have babies. (Jim can no longer have children.)
•No interest in television. (We don't own a television, but we do have high speed Internet service.)
•Be willing to visit your relatives only once or twice a year.
•Not squeamish around slaughtering and butchering of livestock and wild game.
•Hard working.
•Thrifty. (Although Jim makes a very good living, shopaholics need not apply.)
Things about you that do not matter:

•Your age. You can be anywhere between 30 and 55 years old.
•Your appearance. You can be ugly, maimed, deformed, scarred, or disfigured. (But you must be normal body weight and healthy!)
•Your race.
•Your height. (As long as you are least 5'2".)
•Your taste in clothes, music, or art. (Jim has eclectic tastes, but prefers women that dress modestly in public.)
•You have been previously married or already have children (as long as they have been raised to be respectful and well-mannered.)
Things that would be preferable, but not crucial:

•You are omnivorous. (We eat a lot of elk, venison, and trout.)
•You are fairly athletic and enjoy vigorous exercise.
•You have a good traditional skill set (Cooking, sewing, gardening, et cetera.)
•A background in a medical science (Doctor, nurse, veterinarian, EMT, Paramedic, etc.)
•Your family lives west of the Rockies.

•You like dogs and cats.
•You would enjoy raising livestock.
•You can play the piano.
•You have acting experience.
•You are handy with tools.
•You are artistic and/or have a good eye for nature photography.
•You enjoy traveling.
If you believe that you meet the aforementioned qualifications and are sincerely seeking a life-long commitment with a loving husband, then consider this prayerfully, and then e-mail me your brief biography. I'll be doing the vetting before you can talk with Jim. Needless, to say, I'm going to be very selective.

Sincerely, -

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