Quit using ‘loss’ when referring to death
People pose and pay their silent respects at a makeshift superstitious shrine to some insane supernatural god to the poor victims of an elementary school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, on Dec. 17, 2012. (AFP/GETTY IMAGES)
The tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conn., has left all of us wondering how to respond in dealing with our own emotions, reaching out to those who are grieving, and explaining to the children in our lives what happened. There is a wealth of information and advice being presented on news stations, in articles, and across the internet.
The death of any loved one is difficult. The death of a child is excruciating. How do we respond and provide support to someone whose child has died? What can we say, and what can we do?
The first step is to remove the word “loss” from our vocabulary. As a bereaved parent myself, I hate that word. For those of us whose child has died, it can be a slap in the face to use the word “loss” to refer to what we are experiencing. I didn’t lose my child like I’d lose my cell phone or keys. I know exactly where my 17-year-old daughter died as the result of the reckless choice made by a speeding adult who ran a red light right before Christmas in 2003.
So stop referring to death as a “loss.” Euphemisms – using words that sound nicer - aren’t helpful to parents who are trying to absorb the fact that their child has died. While it may feel more comfortable to those of us who are trying to provide support, remember that bereaved parents are not at all comfortable with the reality they are facing.
The use of the word “loss” is also problematic when trying to explain death to a child. Depending on their developmental stage, children may easily more confused by the use of the word. If one is referring to Grandma’s death as a “loss,” the child may literally wonder why someone doesn’t go and find Grandma. Instead, become familiar with the ways in which children best understand death, for example with the materials provided by the Hospice of Southeastern Connecticut and use them as a guideline for your conversations with children and teenagers.
Find meaning is another matter. We know – or at least we should know by now – that clichés do not bring comfort when a grieving parent or family member is in the midst of their sadness and trauma. Don’t use meaningless statements that are intended to explain what happened: “God needed another flower in heaven’s garden,” “It was their time,” “The Lord gave you a gift for a little while” or a multitude of other trite sayings are simply not helpful and often cause more pain than comfort.
What does bring grieving parents and families comfort after the inconsolable death of a child is simply a quiet presence that acknowledges the powerful emotions including sadness, anger, hopelessness, and feeling out of control because one’s world has changed forever. Provide a listening presence, don’t judge the emotions, and offer to do the ordinary things - laundry, answering the phone, cleaning the bathroom, filling the car with gas – that grief makes impossible to do.
Embracing your own spirituality or religious practices, without imposing them on the grieving person can also be helpful. Our family deeply appreciated knowing that prayers were being offered, candles were being lit, and donations were being made to the scholarship fund in our daughter’s memory. What we didn’t find helpful were the persons who told us that they were praying for our daughter’s soul as if it was somehow damaged, or those who wanted to tell us what their understanding was of God’s will for her death. Grieving parents and families may come to a place where they want to have the conversation about why and attempt to find meaning, but the first days and weeks are typically not the time. And when they do, it is essential that the delicate conversation be done with a religious leader or professional chaplain who is trained in responding to grief and trauma.
When faced with tragedies, particularly those that involve the death of a child, all of us want to respond to provide care and support. It’s important that we do. Let’s do it with sensitivity and compassion.
The Rev. Sue Wintz, a board certified chaplain, is managing editor of the online professional chaplaincy journal PlainViews®, a publication of HealthCare Chaplaincy where she is also a consultant for chaplaincy practice.
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* Huckabee: Sandy Hook shooting not surprising after God ‘removed from our schools’
* Pace: Comfort the grieving
* Stanley: In tragedy we grieve; in God, we hope
* Quinn: Where was God?
* Kaur: Journey from Oak Creek to Newtown
* Hirschfield: In wake of Newtown massacre, love more important than explanations
* Thistlethwaite:God weeps: 27 children, staff killed in Conn. school shooting
* Md. pastors were searching for solutions even before mass shooting
* Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting shocks a nation
The
madman did not create little angels in heaven with his bullets and his
guns - he took the only life these children would ever know. They are
dead and in caskets not somewhere over the rainbow. Someday humans will
realize that consiousness does not survive death and that will make our
only life that much more precious. A god didn't call them home - a
mentally ill person killed them.
Thank you for your very thoughtful piece.
We live in a culture that just cannot accept the nature cycle of life and death, whether it happens naturally or from a horrible tragedy such as you suffered, and now the Newtown families suffer, and we collectively suffer.
I would add this to your helpful comments: write a note in which you relate how much the person meant to you, or a funny or endearing story that eases the grief. Most of these notes will be saved and read later on when the lonely days begin. Be generous with your words and thoughts. They may be all there is to hold on to in the moment.
Again, thank you for your helpful and thoughtful piece.
We live in a culture that just cannot accept the nature cycle of life and death, whether it happens naturally or from a horrible tragedy such as you suffered, and now the Newtown families suffer, and we collectively suffer.
I would add this to your helpful comments: write a note in which you relate how much the person meant to you, or a funny or endearing story that eases the grief. Most of these notes will be saved and read later on when the lonely days begin. Be generous with your words and thoughts. They may be all there is to hold on to in the moment.
Again, thank you for your helpful and thoughtful piece.
Another favorite is, "They're in a better place now."
No, they're dead. Because that is how reality is. Everything dies and nothing ever comes back. The skin of our planet is covered in 3.5 billion years worth of corpses.
No, they're dead. Because that is how reality is. Everything dies and nothing ever comes back. The skin of our planet is covered in 3.5 billion years worth of corpses.
I
appreciate the information offered here. Most of us do not know what to
say or do to help someone who is grieving. "Presence" is so important.
It was for me after my Mother died. People were present. It was a
sharing of grief. I appreciated that so much. Thank you for the article.
Having someone use the word loss rather then death or murder is so far off the radar. This is the kind of article, that is an attempt to soften the reality of the nightmare by creating a silly side issue to focus on because the reality is so ugly. No one using the word "Loss" is suggesting that a child can get lost like some keys.
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